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emmy [AT] curious-notions {dot} net
February 2023
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Life sucks sometimes

Ok, disclaimer time. I play lots and lots of what if scenarios in my head all day about everything. What if I died tomorrow? What if Bear dies tomorrow? What if my mom starts showing symptoms of Alzheimer’s? What if that man tries to accost that woman because those security guards have been making me wary for weeks now and obviously she doesn’t know him so why is he calling her over to the security booth? What if my car explodes? What if my brother finds out he has a kid? What If I find out Bear has a kid? What if Bear falls in love with someone else? What if my mom or dad fall in love with someone and get married again? What if my mom or dad have another kid? What if I find out one of them already has another kid? (Why do I worry about all these secret babies? Seriously.)

There’s an infinite number of possibilities that play out in my head. My dreams make me tired most days. So this morning when I started playing with what-if-I-walk-into-the-lab-today-and-we-get-notified-that-my-advisor-has-died I just let the scenario run. I didn’t even think anything of it once I hit the lab. But now I can’t stop thinking about it. It seems very very sick, and I feel like an awful person. I just found out my advisor’s son has a brain tumor, and she’s going to be out of the lab a lot this summer while he has multiple surgeries.

Sometimes life is kinda fucked up.