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emmy [AT] curious-notions {dot} net
August 2022
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became mad as rabbits

The weekend kinda blew. I don’t know what’s going on, but right now it seems like everyone’s life is at a low. Relationships are on rocks, Bear is down, my brother is fighting with my mom. AJ was out of town for a lot of this and I realized how quick she’s become part of my life. I missed her y’all.

My mom is putting her work and her work relationships above her son. I get that he needs a job, but the job she has open is really really the wrong way to go. Then treating him like he’s a bad kid for saying no is just the last topping on the cake. There’s a difference between being spoiled and knowing to turn down a bad option. It really sucks that she’d try to confuse the issue. She’s been crazy the last few years with periodic moments of lucidity. My brother and I keep thinking in those moments that she’s fine. That she’s our mom again. Then something like this happens and it hurts. Getting random txts from your brother because he’s hurt and confused and angry really takes your day down.

My friend Lin wrote a journal entry about love the other day. What love meant to her. It made me think of all the things I do to show people I care and the things they do for me. I have to admit I’m not sure where those actions carry over from caring to love. I’ll do things for people that I genuinely care about, but maybe don’t love. Not the way I love Bear or Lin for example. Maybe you can love a person just because they are good people and you are happy to have them in your life. Maybe it’s not love the way you love your husband or best friend of 10+ years. Maybe that’s ok.

Here’s one thing I know though. Caring means that you don’t try to use the other person to their own detriment just to satisfy your own goals. Love means that you would act to your own detriment in order to help the other person. I think love means that you adjust your own life and goals and wants in order to make room for theirs. I think being loved means that while your wants and goals and life can be adjusted, your needs are tended and met.

Bear and I have had difficulties. Lin and I have had difficulties. I’m sure if AJ and I continue to be friends that I’ll come to love her deeply and we’ll have difficulties. My brother and I. My mother and I. We ARE a difficulty. But in every one of those relationships I’ve had them take time to listen to me and do things that maybe they weren’t so happy about, but they knew I needed. I’ve tried to do the same for them. It’s conversations about things that I wouldn’t normally be interested in, except for the fact that they are. It’s sitting with me when I’m crying even though they hate and loathe tears. It’s calling up my father because they had to TRY. It’s buying apples even though I’m not fond of them and most mornings washing them and grabbing paper towels so that they are ready to go on the way out the door. It’s biting my tongue even when I think they are making a mistake because sometimes people don’t want to hear it and just have to make their own mistakes and honestly who am I to say if it’s really a mistake or not. It’s suffering through the helplessness that comes when the other person is sad or in pain in order to give them the comfort of at least having someone there. It’s making an 8 ft long scarf that they never wear. It’s going without sleep to keep them company. It’s waking up at 5am to make sure they wake up for work or having them listen to you ramble on the phone because you have too many words in your head that don’t have context or sense. It’s a phone call to entertain whenever we are stuck and bored. It’s being truly ok with broken dates. It’s forgiving infinitely.

There’s a song that I kind of love that has this line in it: “we must reinvent love…”. This one line sometimes gets me so het up. I hope that the writer meant that his definition for love or the context that he was experiencing love needed redefinition. I can go on a rant about love having different meanings to different people or how can you reinvent an emotion even if you are speaking in the context of expression of that emotion or what possible relationship does love have with reinvention or a bunch of other thoughts that hit me when I hear this line. Right now though all I can think is that I’m pretty happy with my love, both given and received.