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emmy [AT] curious-notions {dot} net
February 2023
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Shadows of your song

So I got linked to a few posts about love (mostly romantic and parental) in the last day and almost every one left me cold. Which is strange despite the fact that Linda will tell you I am often not impressed. Love tends to get to me. I’m a romantic. Not just the love that comes with sex, but all love. I love parents who adore their kids and kids who adore their parents and friends who love each other and people who fall in love with a partner. Maybe my problem is that I like my love messy. I love the kids who are adopted and abuse every trust they are given until their parents break and then realize they’ve got an uphill battle of earning what they were given for free. I love parents that abandon their kids and then break their kids trust and then crawl over broken glass to prove that they do love them and they are over whatever caused them to act that way. I love the friends who adore each other from 3000 miles away or who forgave one of them fucking the other’s significant other. I love all queer couples and interracial couples and people whose partners are transgender. I am the biggest softy for love that has been strained and torn and abused and abandoned and then is picked up again and mended and displayed with all of its defects.

I tend to not think of Bear and I in any of these lights. I tend to think of Bear and I as the most plebeian boring couple ever. I don’t live in a reality where we are an interracial couple or where we were long distance for years or where we met on the internet right smack when the internet was new enough to be super frightening and old enough that it had become easy for predators and users to be present. I ignore how I was underage and Bear just over the legal line when we started talking and how he could have gotten into trouble. I close my eyes against the memory of my mom threatening to disown me if I talked to Bear again. I ground through a lot of our past (and present and future probably too) problems. Clinical Depression. The IRS. Immaturity. Inexperience. Fear.

This isn’t the blog post I had planned on writing. I read the other blog posts about love and I thought to myself, you know what love is? Love is getting up every night to get your partner his medicine because he never takes care of himself. Love is putting up with unending days of questions about how you feel and how you slept and smiling and working to answer her questions and telling her that you love that she cares about you. Love is taking out the trash. Love is telling her she smells nice when she comes and cuddles you and puts an elbow in your kidney. Love is shutting up and letting your partner talk. Love is being pissed at your mother in law on your partner’s behalf and still saying she can come visit whenever she wants because you know how much it means to your partner. Love is losing sleep so your partner has company during some of the hours where insomnia is winning. Love is cleaning bathrooms and floors because your partner shouldn’t have to breathe toxic chemicals. Love is putting his toothbrush head back on the sonicare after you brush your teeth and putting his toothbrush head case for him after he brushes his. Love is killing the flies and spending hours researching house maintenance and lawn care.

For all that I find dramatic, compelling and heart melting, what really gets us through the day are the random kisses on the insides of wrist and the head scratches that last until a hand falls off. What really makes me believe in love and in loving someone are the grinding stupid sweet daily things. The ones that feel like moving a mountain a single pebble at a time and the ones that are so tiny but make the mountain feel like a balloon.

(Dear Linda, probably I should have named the blog post “make you feel my love” but I think I might have already used that and for some reason I feel like the title I did use fits much better even though the song it comes from might not. The song is Ready to Start by Arcade Fire. Its an awesome song.)

  • linda

    this is a wonderful blog post. i love it.
    and i almost put my url as my diaryland. Ha!

  • emmy

    I’m glad you do. I was trying to shower and pass out when suddenly I felt like I had to get this out. But I was super nervous the whole time. It feels very revealing.

    Heh. Flashback huh?