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emmy [AT] curious-notions {dot} net
January 2009
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Silver and gold

Y’all. It’s 14 degrees outside. At 1:15pm. So it’s a bit cold. My fingers still feel funny from the cold from putting gas in the car this morning. Not frostbite or anything, just that it was 10 degrees and I didn’t have gloves.

So, last couple of days. Let’s see, spent the weekend with AJ. It was good. Felt very good to have girltimes and talking about stories and fluttering about a series that AJ has me hooked on now. (Criminal Minds. Spencer Reid is hot. I love, love, love intelligence and sweetness on a guy when it isn’t fake. Spencer has his edges.) Then Monday Bear and I went home and went to our respective corners. I don’t know why, but we’ve been doing plenty of alone time. We still have our little moments, but I feel like we are giving each other a lot of space. Maybe we are taking our own space? I don’t know. It’s been happening since we came back from break I think? Bear would probably tell me I’m being paranoid and overthinking. Probably he would be right.

Then late Monday night I ended up going to keep AJ company after she got some bad news and stayed kinda late. Went home and put Bear and I to bed. That actually took a while. I really enjoyed the whole thing though. It felt so fucking good having dinner and normal time with Bear, then hanging out with AJ, then going home and falling asleep with Bear. Like, I was alive and it was life. It really sucks that AJ had a bad night, I don’t wish that on her. I think I’m just anticipating having a good friendship and Bear. I’m apparently greedy. Then I try not to be greedy.

Then Tuesday I stayed home because I lost my parking decal. I am a moron who didn’t think to put it on her car right away and lost it somewhere over the weekend. It wasn’t at home or in my car or at AJ’s home. Whatever. I got a day at home, putting around and working. Then Bear and I went out to dinner. It was one of those awesome times where we talked easily and were quiet sometimes and it was just us. I love it when we are us and aren’t uncomfortable or itchy or just not there. We talked about me having a real friendship and not just acquaintances or best friends who live thousands of miles away. We talked about how Bear has the friends he has and is happy and he is in no way unhappy with me adjusting our life to include real friends. Of course, what he said was more like, “I’m really happy you want to go and have fun. I like having the house to myself woman.”

I don’t know why this friendship with AJ is making me so meta. Probably I always am. Cause I’m a freak like that. But the worries about whether adding another real friendship to my life will take away from Lin or Bear or whether I’m pushing a relationship with AJ too fast or whether Bear is uncomfortable with having someone around who hasn’t known him as long as Lin has are constant. I keep finding out though that I’m imagining these worries. Bear is happy. Lin is… happy with me. I wish I could make the rest of her life go better right now. AJ… I don’t automatically know how she’s doing. It’s probably really weird that I keep thinking I should though. We just don’t have the history. I think she’s ok.

Well, anyways, yesterday Bear and I made dinner for us and AJ. She had some time and was on our side of town. Salmon, rice and salad.Pretty sure AJ liked it. We talked for a bit, watched some Criminal Minds for a bit, then she had to go.

Pretty normal fare for Bear and I. He kinda wanted to make it better. He doesn’t want to be the reason that AJ would stop being friends with me. As much as I like AJ and want to take care of her and be there for her and have her be there for me and talk to her and hear everything she wants to share and share so much with her, and as much as I know that I’m *this* close to loving her, Bear is part of me, so if she couldn’t deal with him (which isn’t the case at all, but I’m trying to relate what I told him), then the friendship would kind of be over no matter how much he would want it to work. The awesome thing is that as far as I can tell, AJ does think Bear is kinda weird but cute. Considering that’s in line with how I view him, I’m pretty happy.