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emmy [AT] curious-notions {dot} net
April 2009
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Firstest Concert

I didn’t post yesterday! Because I went to my first real, paid-to-listen-to-music concert! Basically we went for Cobra Starship and Fall Out Boy. We also caught All Time Low. Dude. I don’t even care that they probably sounded worse because of whatever mike issues everyone was having, because they are sucky. Strangely enough, I went to the concert thinking Cobra didn’t impress me at all, except that Gabe & Co are damn cute and their music is super fun live. It actually was worth the trip out to the Arena. Other thing that was actually entertaining was this rave kid who was dancing between sets. He was super super interesting. He had like a gf and this assistant. It was wild.

Fall Out Boy though was worth the price of admission and then some. They aren’t even MY band, but I know enough of the songs and Pete and Patrick and Joe were so cute. God.  I cannot even tell you how many times one of them did some stupid spin or skip or something and I was just like OHHHH. This is maybe silly because other people are like, yes, yes that is how it goes, but that’s never happened to me except with like MCR on certain videos and never like this.I saw Patrick skip across the stage at one point after doing a little spin like Pete and Joe do the whole concert and my brain squealed. Pete was quiet at certain parts. Curling up in front of one of the monitors or standing still. There was one cute point where he and Patrick kinda curled towards each other with their guitars angled away. I’m not sure that’s what they call guitar sex when it looked more like Pete wanted a hug and a cuddle and Patrick wanted to oblige him. Then Joe killed me when during Beat It they turned on the feet cameras and Joe kept walking all over and the poor dude below the stage kept trying to follow his feet. He’d get Joe’s feet focused and then Joe’d move. Then he’d get it focused again and Joe’d move. I’m pretty sure that’s why they had a guy on Joe’s camera and not Pete’s or Patrick’s, and probably Joe just can’t be still, but it still got me.

I did remark to AJ that dude, if I flip out like this over FOB, that I’m usually not that interested in, I am freaking anxious to see Panic and MCR that I do adore. There’s more on that list. I’d love to see Frightened Rabbit, Vampire Weekend, MGMT, Empires, Ben Folds, Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls, Taking Back Sunday, The Used. That’s just a list of bands that I might actually be able to see one day. I’d plotz if The Delgados ever got back together. Bear would plotz if the original Smashing Pumpkins ever got back together.

AJ actually has a good writeup for the concert. The only bit she left out was the yucky conversation that the guys in ATL had about titty sweat vs dick sweat and then when they got to ball sweat they were like, ok, yeah, that’s more than enough, next song! I will say this, ATL was at least not boring. They were disgusting and not pleasant, but not boring. Good for mocking.

My brain has kinda been off all day today. I’m quiet inside. It’s ok, except that I’m pretty sure it’s not making me a good person to interact with. I feel sorry for Bear, Lin, AJ and my brother. My internal monologue is still talking in the baby voice that started up after the concert when I was all punchy.

Fucking yellow jackets.

I killed a yellow jacket this morning. I don’t know how it got into the house, but basically it went like this.

I’m filling up Bear’s water bottle while he puts on his shoes. He comes into the kitchen. I notice the yellow jacket. I go, “Fuck. Get me something to kill it.”

Bear hands me a paper towel. I give him the are-you-fucking-kidding-me look. I turn and grab the frying pan. I look at the GLASS window that the yellow jacket is climbing up. Bear laughs at me.

I put it down and look around again. I grab the milk carton. I hit the window and miss the yellow jacket.

Bear laughs some more and is like, “Em, that’s not how you do it.”

I try to peer behind the counter to see if it’s still on the window. “Bear, look back there for me.”

“No. That’ll be when it flies up into your face.”

I growl at him and finish filling up the water bottle and the yellow jacket starts climbing back up. “That’s what I was waiting for.”

I grab the milk carton and smack it dead on and it falls.

We get out to the car and Bear goes “You should have squished it slowly instead of whacking it hard.”

So yeah, I killed a yellow jacket this morning.

Lost my sheep

So I found my old Xanga earlier. Usually when I read old stuff, I cringe in shame or embarrassment. But I’m reading these entries from 5 years ago and all I can think is that wow, I was snappier back then. I was more fiesty and honestly, less boring. I don’t know what happened? I’m not an undergrad anymore? I also don’t have a 45 minute commute every day. Most of those entries I thought up in the morning drive after I’d dropped Bear off. I work with the same people most days. My world got smaller is the only thing I can think. We are more stable. That’s sad? I hate that I’m boring. I don’t like it. I also blogged almost every day on that Xanga. At least, much more frequently than I did on here. Also my whole family is more stable now. The younger kids are old enough to be in school and the older kids are all out of school and finding jobs.

I was thinking about this the other day. I don’t spend time just with myself anymore. In the car I’m either with Bear or AJ or it’s only a 5 minute drive. Or I’m at school or at work. Or I’m chatting with Lin or AJ. I need this. It’s awesome to have it, but I wonder if my life isn’t doing some kind of cyclical thing. Maybe I didn’t notice because I wasn’t blogging for a while between that Xanga and starting this blog? I’m not sure. I think I’m going to start trying to blog every day again though. Or at least every other. Do wish I knew where that fiestiness went though.

Today was mostly lazy. I cut Bear’s hair for the first time! I didn’t cut him, despite all his flinches and freakouts. Seriously, I had shears in my hand and he jerks his head forward and I wanted to smack him because THAT ISNT THE WAY TO AVOID GETTING CUT! *sighs* idiot.

Worst nightmare in a while

I’ve never seen Carl die in one of these. Never. He’s my baby, my buddy. Mom has died. Grandma has died. My whole flipping Clan has died before I called them The Clan. But Carl was always safe. My brain fucked with me. I’ve gotten 4 hours of sleep and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to fall asleep again. I’m tired, but I can’t get the image out.

Carl and I were living in this fictional house, that we lived in together with I think Bear. There was another male in the dream. It could have been our dad, but honestly, the other male I’m pretty sure was Bear. At one point we were running away and the other dude was wearing Bear’s winter coat. So it was also cold where we lived. And one day this dude showed up. Dave Viti. He gave us his card. He told us that Carl and I were important to Mother’s Children. I later found out that they sometimes drop the Children part. They are just Mother’s. But that we were needed and that they could protect us. We didn’t believe him. He was welldressed and polite, but he sounded like a crackpot. The dude on the streetcorner one morning when Bear and I were going to work screaming at the lamppost made more sense than this dude in the dream.

The one night Bear, Carl and I were home (or it was the other dude with Carl and I, but I’ll just call him Bear and have done) and we noticed some people outside. At first we didn’t think anything of it, but then one of our windows broke. It turned out Bear is a paranoid dude and had found us a way out in case of zombie attacks. Ok, that calls it, the other dude had to have been Bear and I was just so focused on the end of the dream I forgot. So we escape and we meet up with Dave Viti who promises to take us to the Mother’s …hideout? lair? Whatever. We are walking along this strip mall when Dave is like RUN. Except that we had sat down on a bench and Bear’s hat was off and I had taken off my shoes? There was a reason, in the dream, stuff had happened. We’d gone on a boatride? To get to the stripmall and my shoes had gotten wet?? But so when we start running away from the bad dudes who wanted to kill all Mother’s Children, especially us, I was trying to put on my shoes and I was running slower. Carl is out of shape and running slower too, but not as slow as me. (He’s actually not in real life. He’s been working out.)

So the two people that are most wanted in this fight are the slowest and Dave Viti is trying to keep pace to make sure we don’t die before he can get us safe. It gets really scary and Dave is taken, but apparently he told Bear where to take us in case this happened. So Bear manages to find the building and it turns out those dudes have a hard time entering and we end up in a parking garage and we go down? and end up underground.

It turns out Mother’s Children are mostly kids and prostitutes and some men that have been to prison and a few that just have obviously had a really really rough life. The prostitutes run it. Mother’s Children are led by women, always, because the Mother only speaks through the women. We give them Dave’s card and tell them, but apparently the most senior woman knew about us. She didn’t know about Dave though and his name is apparently very important. She tells me that I must tell Mother. Carl and I are way way tired and freaked at this point, but we just say, ok, whatever, can we sleeeeeeeep? Sure, is the answer. Apparently I won’t be allowed to speak to Mother until 3 days from then. So Bear and Carl and I spend the next three days talking to Mother’s Children and getting to know them and there are some damn cute kids that had been saved from off the streets and the prostitutes are super nice to us, despite the fact that obviously we came from a much easier life. The dudes are a little more standoffish, but they look at us with eyes that aren’t as scary as you would think.

Finally all the Children congregate in the biggest of the underground rooms and the head woman lies down on this bench thing with her legs still touch the ground and suddenly she’s talking a little bit different. Not crazy or anything. There’s also this light that appears off to her side. Suddenly she gets up, but the light stays there. She lets some other women lie in her place and talk and the light… talks? back to everyone. Telling them what to do about each problem that is being presented. From a woman who keeps having nightmares to a woman who is worried about the food stores for all the Children, all these problems get laid out and everyone is told what to do about it.

Finally its my turn. I lay down and I’m so flustered I can’t remember Dave’s name and I ask Bear or Carl to get his card after I’ve told the first half of the story to Mother. That causes a bit of commotion, because you aren’t allowed to address a male while speaking to Mother. Then a card is shoved in front of my face and I tell Mother the rest of the story and every time I say Dave’s name a shiver or ripple runs through us and obviously Mother is having a reaction to this dude. I get to the end and nothing is being said. There’s no answer being given. And suddenly there’s a cracking sound and we look around and notice that some of the bad guys have slipped unnoticed into the room and the men start running and jumping them and there is a lot of cracking sounds. Necks being broken. One of them comes for me and someone comes between us and Carl and Bear are safe with me, until someone comes up behind us and Carl kicks and runs a bit and gets stabbed in the gut. I start to go to him when one of the younger, newer girls, that is still painfully thin gets shoved into my arms by one of the men. She has bruises forming around her neck. I hold onto her tightly and scream at them to check on Carl. We are winning the fight, but I saw the knife around Carl. I see the blood beneath him, but I can see his shoulders moving. I scream for someone to get him. He gets rolled over and his lips move. I tell him to shut up. The blood is coming from a cut in his belly. I scream again. Wordless I think this time. I can feel the girl in my arms shake. Someone pushes a towel hard on Carl’s stomach. I scream at him not to leave me. I scream for Mother. I scream and scream and he keeps bleeding through the towels. I’m screaming so hard I’m shaking and I can feel the girls bony hand’s biting into mine and I’m screaming “CARL DONT LEAVE ME. MOTHER?!!!!! SAVE HIM. DONT LEAVE ME CARL. DONT LEAVE ME.”

I woke up midscream. I holding myself stiff on my back, but I wasn’t screaming. It feels wrong that I wasn’t screaming. Carl is fine. I know he’s at home and fine. I was dry eyed until I went to find Bear and tell him what was wrong. Now I’m just scared. I can see Carl in my head and all the blood. Dark blood but coming so fast and the gut is a bad place. I’m gonna see if I can sleep now. Hopefully I can and I can put off calling Carl until morning. I still have my screams ringing in my head. It’s been a long time since I had one of these dreams.