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January 2010
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how close am I

This is HYPOTHETICAL, because while something kinda similar DID happen, what I want to talk about might not be applicable at ALL and I am taking amazing liberties. I know the friend reads this blog sometimes, and so if it’s you and you recognize this conversation but things don’t add up, it’s on purpose.

So I was talking to a friend about her boyfriend and she was saying how she is limited in what she can ask for from him in the romance department. Apparently when she asks for certain signs of affection, he tells her that’s honeymoon phase stuff and they are past it. My response to this is multifaceted: 1) That’s a very dismissive response 2) If you only did something in the honeymoon phase, does that make it fake? If you did it before, and you still care for/love this person, why wouldn’t you oblige them again? 3) If someone loves you, the honeymoon phase doesn’t end. 4… there were more, but I don’t remember them now.

Then I started thinking about 3 some more. I also started thinking about a few people that I love, but that I know that love makes very little impact in their day to day lives. THEN I also started thinking about people that love me, but have very little impact on my life. Finally I realized that Linda, my brain and my sister, had already given me the answer to this. (Holy crap Linda, if it wasn’t you that told me this then correct me? Except that I think you wrote a blog post about it, so I’m pretty sure it was you.)

We all have ways of showing love and we all have needs to be met. If you love someone and the ways that you show love meet their needs then they will feel loved. If someone loves you in ways that meet your needs then you will feel loved. Bear will, even if not very often, randomly pick up my hand and kiss it or kiss me on the head. I do not know why I need my hand or head kissed periodically, but apparently I do because the feeling when he does it is pretty drastic. Possibly I need that more often that I get it, but it’s enough that I don’t notice it in between. But imagine if he never did that. Imagine if his only way of showing me that he loved me was to … give me material things. Now I imagine there are some women out there that would feel like they were the most special and important of women if all their husbands did was give them material gifts. I would feel abandoned and bereft and would probably leave Bear and cry and bitch that he didn’t love me and then I might try and cut his balls off or something. Possibly an overreaction, but still.

So last night, it was like a 2×4 to my head. Maybe it doesn’t matter at all who we love or who loves us. Maybe what matters is whose expressions of love are felt and whose needs are met by our actions. Does the actual emotion matter at all if the ways in which a person expresses that emotion don’t match with the needs of the object of their love?