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emmy [AT] curious-notions {dot} net
January 2010
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Soon enough for me

Whoever thought it would be fun for Bear and I to buy a house and FURNISH it was fucking insane and I would like them to come here so I can beat them.

But our loan is off for underwriting or some shit and it looks good.

tell me what you know about them night terrors every night

I wanna talk about abuse and why we stay in relationships today. The fact that my mom, dad and a stupid girl that I don’t even know cause me to want to talk about abusive relationships probably says scary things about my sanity, but since I didn’t start this blog off wanting to talk about my mental health and wellbeing I think the less said about the genesis of this topic the better.

I’ve known at least three women who stayed in abusive relationships. Two of them I even know pretty well, almost as well as you can know another human being. I can’t say why certain women stay in abusive relationships and others seem to find it easy to leave when a relationship isn’t healthy. I can’t say why a woman will find strength when she does end up leaving or where that strength comes from.

There are some things that I do know. I know that it’s not weak women who stay in abusive relationships. Some of the strongest women I know fall into abusive relationships. Maybe because they think they are too strong to ever be taken advantage of, until it happens. I know that women don’t stay in abusive relationships because they are stupid. Some of the smartest women I know have been in abusive relationships. I also know that abuse doesn’t necessarily come from spouses or significant others. Hell, I’ve negotiated a relationship with a man that I knew was abusive before I ever got into it. As my brother tells me, I shouldn’t have been surprised.

I do know that sometimes there’s nothing you can do. From my own experience I think I know now that if a man is abusive there’s nothing you can do but stay away. I also know that I tend to never accept that there’s not a solution. So that’s my own stupid failing and it tripped me up. I thought there was a way to protect myself and still be in the relationship. I also know that abuse isn’t limited to women. Men fall into this exact trap of thinking they can protect themselves and so enter into relationships with people who have redeeming qualities. I, and in my opinion others as well, think that in the end it will all worth it.

I don’t believe it’s because women are fooling themselves either. It’s not them getting tricked by some hormones or excitement or other emotions. The fact that someone would say that women are being led astray by thinking they can change a person or by the excitement from being around that person makes me 1) want to vomit and 2) want to beat someone. By the time a woman realizes that the partner she has picked is abusive, it’s not that you are still so fluttery at the thought of being around that person that’s keeping you there. It’s probably partially the fact that you picked that person. It’s partially that you love this person and have been putting them before or equal to your own wellbeing for at least some amount of time before now. It’s that there’s shame associated with being in an intimate relationship with someone who would hurt you, sometimes not even deliberately, but often.

I find women who manage to walk away from damaging relationships strong. I hope there’s someone there to give them hugs and prop them up when their sanity is at risk. I also wish that someone had been there before they fell in love with that person to say something. Often this doesn’t work, but maybe, just maybe, sometimes it does.

Love if you want it

We’re going to see the house again today. In the snow no less this time.

Buying a house is hell for a million reasons. I still keep wondering why it isn’t more fun than this. Bear gets satisfaction figuring out how he wants to fix/change the house to make it more us while we wait. I think I feel really unsettled by the realization that none of the furniture he’s looking at really does anything for me. It doesn’t help, apparently, I’m horribly ambivalent about furniture and Bear refuses to leave me out of it. Which means every time he checks with me about a table and chairs or buffet or sectional I get that awful tight feeling in my chest. I don’t know. I do know our house is cute and casual it its layout and design. It’s a 1950′s ranch. The current layout and structure give it a light, bright, airy feeling. Ornate doesn’t fit on it. Heavy doesn’t fit it. Bear of course then gets upset when I tell him his taste is too formal because then I’m putting words and meaning in his mouth. We’ll figure it out I’m sure. I’ll probably also figure out why I don’t like any of the furniture we’ve looked at sometime.

When we got up this morning though, I realized that the house has personality to me. A good one. I think we can really make this home and be happy if we can just figure out what we are doing and not bankrupt ourselves in the process.

A bird wearing a brown polyester shirt

I’m helping my mom with her psych/child development class, so I’ve been reading a lot about gender issues and gender typing and differences in development and treatment of the different genders. I know growing up we joked with my mom that she was very sexist. She would make my younger brother go out with me, not because it was safer in numbers but because he was a boy. Considering that he’s a year and a half younger and that at 17 and 15 this made a big difference I always thought she was nuts. I love my brother and often didn’t mind taking him along thankfully. Once we got past the annoying boy¬†cootie¬†stage of our lives, I’ve mostly loved having Carl around.

Back onto the topic. Linda and I have talked about when we have children multiple times. We’ve both also got a fair amount of exposure to young children and have experience taking care of children. I know at least once Linda’s made a comment about how she hates it when boys do x, where x is crying or whining or something. I know that feeling. When a little girl does something annoying, it can be fifty times more annoying in a boy. Or vice versa. A girl crying because she tripped and fell mostly makes me want to pick her up, smack her on the butt and say “Stop crying.” A little boy doing that though makes me want to pick him up and cuddle him until he stops. Mostly because boys do it more rarely than girls and boys tend to not even really want the cuddling whereas girls, the second you give them that attention they will just glomp all over you. But I’m wondering if this behavior is trained. I’m reading these papers about studies showing how parents will very subtly and unknowingly reward girls for “submissive” emotion and boys for “disharmonious” emotions.

I would really really REALLY love to know if anyone has any examples of things that annoy them more when a boy does them instead of a girl or vice versa. Not just because it helps with this class, but because now I’m curious whether this is just Linda and I reacting to our admittedly sexist natal cultures or if it’s more widespread.