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emmy [AT] curious-notions {dot} net
October 2021
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A real boy. Not a real update.

1) I suck at blogging. I realize this. I have lots of things to post about still, but I haven’t the … time, energy, emotional capacity,… I’ll get there.

2) THIS. GOD. PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO COMPARE THEM??? My favorite part is where the author talks about Stephenie Moore knowing nothing about vampires or werewolves. No shit.

3) I HAVE LITTLE BABY GREEN TOMATOES. LOTS OF THEM AND EVEN MORE FLOWERS. I HAVE ALREADY TOLD EVERYBODY I CAN AND I AM STILL SO EXCITED. I also found out (remembered? was retold?) that Carl hates tomatoes. Clearly mom stole him from the mailman because he was so cute. He was a super cute baby. Clearly it was a trap.

4) My brother has called me almost every evening this week on his way home from work. I feel special and loved and wanted and lucky. I have a really sweet brother. Who doesn’t like tomatoes.

5) Bear and I suck at birthdays and anniversaries. It’s official.

6) Homemade crepes are damn fucking tasty. Why should this baffle Bear? He is so weird.

Worst nightmare in a while

I’ve never seen Carl die in one of these. Never. He’s my baby, my buddy. Mom has died. Grandma has died. My whole flipping Clan has died before I called them The Clan. But Carl was always safe. My brain fucked with me. I’ve gotten 4 hours of sleep and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to fall asleep again. I’m tired, but I can’t get the image out.

Carl and I were living in this fictional house, that we lived in together with I think Bear. There was another male in the dream. It could have been our dad, but honestly, the other male I’m pretty sure was Bear. At one point we were running away and the other dude was wearing Bear’s winter coat. So it was also cold where we lived. And one day this dude showed up. Dave Viti. He gave us his card. He told us that Carl and I were important to Mother’s Children. I later found out that they sometimes drop the Children part. They are just Mother’s. But that we were needed and that they could protect us. We didn’t believe him. He was welldressed and polite, but he sounded like a crackpot. The dude on the streetcorner one morning when Bear and I were going to work screaming at the lamppost made more sense than this dude in the dream.

The one night Bear, Carl and I were home (or it was the other dude with Carl and I, but I’ll just call him Bear and have done) and we noticed some people outside. At first we didn’t think anything of it, but then one of our windows broke. It turned out Bear is a paranoid dude and had found us a way out in case of zombie attacks. Ok, that calls it, the other dude had to have been Bear and I was just so focused on the end of the dream I forgot. So we escape and we meet up with Dave Viti who promises to take us to the Mother’s …hideout? lair? Whatever. We are walking along this strip mall when Dave is like RUN. Except that we had sat down on a bench and Bear’s hat was off and I had taken off my shoes? There was a reason, in the dream, stuff had happened. We’d gone on a boatride? To get to the stripmall and my shoes had gotten wet?? But so when we start running away from the bad dudes who wanted to kill all Mother’s Children, especially us, I was trying to put on my shoes and I was running slower. Carl is out of shape and running slower too, but not as slow as me. (He’s actually not in real life. He’s been working out.)

So the two people that are most wanted in this fight are the slowest and Dave Viti is trying to keep pace to make sure we don’t die before he can get us safe. It gets really scary and Dave is taken, but apparently he told Bear where to take us in case this happened. So Bear manages to find the building and it turns out those dudes have a hard time entering and we end up in a parking garage and we go down? and end up underground.

It turns out Mother’s Children are mostly kids and prostitutes and some men that have been to prison and a few that just have obviously had a really really rough life. The prostitutes run it. Mother’s Children are led by women, always, because the Mother only speaks through the women. We give them Dave’s card and tell them, but apparently the most senior woman knew about us. She didn’t know about Dave though and his name is apparently very important. She tells me that I must tell Mother. Carl and I are way way tired and freaked at this point, but we just say, ok, whatever, can we sleeeeeeeep? Sure, is the answer. Apparently I won’t be allowed to speak to Mother until 3 days from then. So Bear and Carl and I spend the next three days talking to Mother’s Children and getting to know them and there are some damn cute kids that had been saved from off the streets and the prostitutes are super nice to us, despite the fact that obviously we came from a much easier life. The dudes are a little more standoffish, but they look at us with eyes that aren’t as scary as you would think.

Finally all the Children congregate in the biggest of the underground rooms and the head woman lies down on this bench thing with her legs still touch the ground and suddenly she’s talking a little bit different. Not crazy or anything. There’s also this light that appears off to her side. Suddenly she gets up, but the light stays there. She lets some other women lie in her place and talk and the light… talks? back to everyone. Telling them what to do about each problem that is being presented. From a woman who keeps having nightmares to a woman who is worried about the food stores for all the Children, all these problems get laid out and everyone is told what to do about it.

Finally its my turn. I lay down and I’m so flustered I can’t remember Dave’s name and I ask Bear or Carl to get his card after I’ve told the first half of the story to Mother. That causes a bit of commotion, because you aren’t allowed to address a male while speaking to Mother. Then a card is shoved in front of my face and I tell Mother the rest of the story and every time I say Dave’s name a shiver or ripple runs through us and obviously Mother is having a reaction to this dude. I get to the end and nothing is being said. There’s no answer being given. And suddenly there’s a cracking sound and we look around and notice that some of the bad guys have slipped unnoticed into the room and the men start running and jumping them and there is a lot of cracking sounds. Necks being broken. One of them comes for me and someone comes between us and Carl and Bear are safe with me, until someone comes up behind us and Carl kicks and runs a bit and gets stabbed in the gut. I start to go to him when one of the younger, newer girls, that is still painfully thin gets shoved into my arms by one of the men. She has bruises forming around her neck. I hold onto her tightly and scream at them to check on Carl. We are winning the fight, but I saw the knife around Carl. I see the blood beneath him, but I can see his shoulders moving. I scream for someone to get him. He gets rolled over and his lips move. I tell him to shut up. The blood is coming from a cut in his belly. I scream again. Wordless I think this time. I can feel the girl in my arms shake. Someone pushes a towel hard on Carl’s stomach. I scream at him not to leave me. I scream for Mother. I scream and scream and he keeps bleeding through the towels. I’m screaming so hard I’m shaking and I can feel the girls bony hand’s biting into mine and I’m screaming “CARL DONT LEAVE ME. MOTHER?!!!!! SAVE HIM. DONT LEAVE ME CARL. DONT LEAVE ME.”

I woke up midscream. I holding myself stiff on my back, but I wasn’t screaming. It feels wrong that I wasn’t screaming. Carl is fine. I know he’s at home and fine. I was dry eyed until I went to find Bear and tell him what was wrong. Now I’m just scared. I can see Carl in my head and all the blood. Dark blood but coming so fast and the gut is a bad place. I’m gonna see if I can sleep now. Hopefully I can and I can put off calling Carl until morning. I still have my screams ringing in my head. It’s been a long time since I had one of these dreams.

So Bright

I fell asleep last night counting the four biggest blessings of my life. Sadly, this will not live up to the words that came to my head last night. The words I type on a page are never anything compared to the ones in my head as I’m falling asleep, but these, to describe my loves, will never measure up.

When I was almost exactly a year and a half, I got a brother. He has been mine since that day. My confidant. My playmate. My tormentor. My puzzle. My whipping boy. My co-conspirator. My little brother. He has taught me the little bit I know about patience. He taught me to look in strange places for unexpected gifts. He taught me how to be a sheild. How to love. How to survive. How to fight. How to forgive. How to take days as gifts. With him at my back, we survived anything and everything life threw at us (even crappy dates and dances). He was my first and greatest gift because without him being born into my life I might never have met anyone like him. I would take crappy parents and confusing family members in order to get him over and over again.

When I was in Kindergarten and 1st grade, life thew this little girl at me. Nothing came of it. Again in 6th grade I met her at an academic competition thing. I didn’t even recognize her. At 14 we met as freshman in the same school and other than oh hey we were in Kindergarten together, we STILL ignored each other. So finally life threw us together so hard we struck sparks. It was a horrific fight where we thought the other was the worst bitch and friend (to another mutual friend). We continued to disagree about everything. Love. Hate. Abortion. Religion. Friendship. Fighting. How to wear glasses. How to eat. How to disagree. How to not smother people. How to handle when mutual friends cut you out of their group (ohmygod do not lie about it). But finally finally finally we were in each others lives and we’ve managed to keep each other since. She opened up my eyes in so many ways. She taught me about fun and girliness and best friends and how to lie while not lying and the internet and clothes and how to not be a bitch. There are infinitely many other things, but I honestly cannot list them all. She’s my living miracle and proof that life gives you what you need.

At 16 I, by the Grace of God and all that is Holy and Good, met my husband. It was the chanciest of meetings. It was with a man that did not give many people a chance to worm their way under his defenses. It was me, at an age where I knew so very little about how to appreciate chances and secrets and truths. I look back on my life and marvel that so many many things that should have pulled us apart didn’t. Our parents. The distance. The AGES (ohmygod I was 16 and he was 20 and we were BABIES). The EXPENSE (I do not even THINK about how much money was spent on phone bills and phone cards). But Bear taught me about perseverance and respect and honor and trust and belief. He taught me how to be kind. How to appreciate innate gifts in yourself and others. How to handle bad times and sad times and disappointment. How sometimes the best thing in the world is snuggles and warm kisses when you are stealing five more minutes in the morning before you get up. I thought, after we got married, that my life could not get any better. That I had been given these incredible gifts. These precious people that made my life worth living.

Then, a few months ago, I got another gift. This time it came in the form of a friend when I most needed one. I thought I was getting someone to have a few meals with. Share some books. Gossip a little. I got so much more (but those things too and it is so awesome). I got someone who taught me how to keep appreciating the smaller gifts. She’s taught me how to enjoy all the weird places in my brain and the time I have to give and the way I love and how people can surprise you even if you are looking RIGHT at them. How sometimes gifts only come for a short period of time, but you appreciate them just the same and all the more. How good things come in small packages too sometimes. How sometimes, even if something looks or acts broken, it is beautiful and does not need fixing. How you can have someone who isn’t an opposite, but still love the similarities and the places where there are differences.

These are my peeps. I wish I could have shared them instead of just sharing their impact on me, but I was trying to respect their privacy as much as possible while still explaining why they are my blessings, my lights. I love them.

whiny bitch

So this weekend was a little crazy. AJ left town and I drove her to the bus station and picked her up when she came back. I also had a potential labmate come to town for a workshop and she stayed with Bear and I. I ended up picking her up at the bus station and driving her to campus through the 6 inches of snow that got dumped on us between Saturday night and Sunday morning. Then it snowed again Sunday night after I picked her up so Monday morning’s drive to drop her off again wasn’t fun either. I also made approximately 5,902,203 trips to the grocery store. Monday after I dropped the labmate at ass o’clock and put Bear to sleep I went to AJ’s and just did nothing but sit on her couch and watch her cook and watch Criminal Minds until almost midnight. It was exactly what I needed and AJ said she was happy about it too.

I know I didn’t actually DO much, there were huge chunks of time between all the picking people up and dropping them off and going to the grocery store and poking at Bear, but I just felt like there wasn’t any time. Like I’d put on all my layers, every drive took 5x as long, get home and inside, warm up, take off all my layers, then it’d be time to start all over again. Didn’t help that it just kept snowing so constantly. It would have been a million times worse if I had had to spend all my time shoveling. Bear and I really do have the best landlords.

I’m whiny. I’ve been whiny since Saturday I think. I’ve been feeling kinda uncertain too. I need to get on top of some shit like my research, which hasn’t been moving all that great lately. I had some good moments Thursday, but then I went into having a visitor panic and I haven’t revisited it since.

The inauguration yesterday was pretty special though. And Bear’s mom called last night, she was super excited about the inaugaration and wants Bear and I to figure out a way that she can have it on a dvd so she can show her grandkids. She also took the oppurtunity to make sure I realized that I should have said grandkids before I’m 35. Just FYI you know. I don’t want to lose my chance you know. Really wouldn’t be good for my health to wait that long.

*sighs* She is so cute and I think for now I’ll just laugh and enjoy it and not think about how this is only the beginning. From now until I either turn 35 or give her grandkids it will continue and probably only get worse. I hate when she calls and Bear is sleeping for more than one reason.

For all my whining, life is pretty spectacular right now.

Oh, except for the fact that I got to work today and my dragon that I’d taken to school from the set Bear gave me at my birthday had its tail fucking snapped off. I’m so pissed. I don’t know who and I’m not pointing fingers and I’m just assuming it was cleaning people and I’m not replacing it but fucking hell. Just. Hell. I’ll find glue for porcelain and probably you won’t be able to even tell once I’ve glued it back because it’s a clean break. I’m still pissed.